So 7:30pm sees the start of another wonderful evening in our glorious city. Chatting to the locals, being photographed by the visitors to our city, catching up with the gossip and generally being able to satisfy the publics need to have someone to abuse and direct them to the nearest cash point or kebab shop.

The evening starts off well except it was raining and blowing a gale through the area we were patrolling and the punters are in good spirits

9pm comes and goes. 10pm come and goes and then 11pm hits us!

First customer of the evening. Now I am a very tolerant person but I don't stand in a monkey suit who has made friends with a canary and then stolen his feathers to be abused all the time, there really is only so much you can take

Punter: "Scuse me mate do you have the time"

Me: "No sorry" (I broke my watch 3 or 4 days earlier and haven't repaired it yet)

Punter: "You must have the f***ing time"

Me (in my normal tolerant tone) "No sorry i broke my watch"

Punter "Useless ***t"

Me "Go away and stop swearing"

Punter "Why don't you"

Me "Cos I'm not drunk and I am not swearing"

Punter Walks away looks at his girlfriend and says "See i told you there were a bunch of useless w*****s they can't even afford a watch"

Me (Well i think you know what I am about to say to him)

So the evening starts early, we arrive at custody and when I gave the circumstances of the arrest i was asked the time of arrest

Custody Sgt "Time of arrest"

Me "23:03"

Punter "How the f**k do you know that if you don't have a watch, i only asked you the f***ing time I haven't done anything wrong"

Me "Cos there is a big clock on the wall behind you but you never gave me a chance to tell you!!" (Now who is the useless w****r )

So I do the ticket ready for him in the morning and out I go to be sent to another job at 11:50pm, report of a girl urinating outside the toilets in the cinema complex. Me and the Sgt go over and speak to her and the staff. She is pissed as a fart and getting quite vocal about the fact she had used the toilets to have a piss in

Sgt "When did you use the toilet"

Her "Just now check the CCTV"

Sgt "You couldn't have they shut 2 hours ago"

Her "Well I did so f**k off"

Sgt "Why don't you apologise to the staff and go home"

Her "Cos i haven't done anything wrong!"

So I go and check the CCTV and sure enough, there she is checking all the toilets doors, several times, (why do you do that when you are pissed) and finally, drops her shorts and pants and squats!

By the time I get back to the Sgt she has been arrested. Deep joy a pissed female and only 18 who's father is a barrister. I know that cos she told us a million times and he was "Going to get her off this"

Anyway the ticket is issued ready for her to wake up to and father is highly apologetic

So out we go again, via subway for me to get a sandwich. On route back I get stopped by taxi driver who wanted me to get a girl out of his taxi? Why? I never really found out why as I said I needed to park the van and would be back but he was gone?? Must have been the dis-interested look on my face that gave the game away. What do you think?

So the final exciting part of my night is going to a club where the bouncers had apparently been rough on an innocent punter

Get there and sure enough his face is full of blood and states that they threw him out for no reason. Looked at the CCTV to see this innocent member of the public attack a doorman with a bottle and they eject him - He was told to count his luck chickens and go home "I ain't got no f***ing chickens and walked off"

And so another evening ends. I go back to pick the Sgt up to find him finishing up some paperwork that took another hour and finally got off at 6am this morning, pleased with the fact I get another 2 detections for my list (The sgt gave me his ) off I go home

On a 4 till midnight today so should be fairly quiet. Need to catch up on some paperwork to catch the real criminals

See you next time